By Mark Huttemier MA, LPC

• Boundaries save you from being sucked dry.
• If you feel your role is only as a caregiving helper, you will get taken advantage of.
• You have to be a role-model of a well-defined and balanced personality.   What this means…
  • It means you are consistent.
  • That you practice self-care. (so you aren’t moody)
  • And that you maintain personal boundaries with your floormates. (no favorites)

Here are the rules that help to create and

maintain boundaries.

1)       Actions must have consequences- If someone is being negative, angry, or manipulative around you…are you setting boundaries against it? 

1. Minimize interactions with people who are manipulative:  Manipulation can be intentional or unintentional.  You can be aware that you are being manipulated when you find yourself working harder to help or support a person than they are working to help or support themselves. 
2. Reinforce positive and adaptive self-help behaviors on your floor.  Don’t take them for granted.  They become the role models for others on your floor and they support you!!!
3. Example:  A student come to talk to you about a roommate issue constantly but never follows a one of your suggestions to talk to the roommate about these concerns.

2)      Ultimately, we are only responsible for that which we can control:  We are responsible to each other, we are not responsible for each other.  This means we refuse to be the rescuer or the enabler for somebody else’s irresponsible behavior.

1. (Very important for us human service people)  If your role in life is only to help people who are struggling than you will feel empty if you are not constantly attached to needy people and unconsciously maintaining their neediness. 
2. This is both enabling and co-dependency.
3. Example:  If you feel that it is your fault that a friend who drinks too much goes to the hospital with alcohol poisoning.

3)      Our power is limited, accept it:  We have some power over some things, and not over others (we can’t change people).

1. We can’t change or fix anyone who doesn’t want to change and fix themselves.
2. You can change yourself at any time. That’s the power you do have.  Often, when you change who you are in a healthy way, people who are close to you are forced to face themselves and will finally consider change. 
3. Example:  If you are worried about a person you care about who smokes, you can choose not to go outside and stand with him when he is doing it.  

4)      Respect for all:  If we want people to respect our boundaries, than we must respect theirs.

1. Since you cannot change others you cannot demand that they must change who they are. 
2. You can enforce that their behavior is not acceptable around you or on the floor.  This will mean that they can keep their behavior if they want, but they have to accept that they don’t have control over some of the ramifications of keeping that negative behavior.

                                                               i.      Losing the strength of their relationship with you.

                                                             ii.      Being kicked out of the dorms.

1. Example:  You cannot make another person not be racist, you can choose to share with him your opinion on the matter, choose not to listen to him talk like that, remind him that any intimidation on campus based on race will have real consequences.

5)      Motivation comes from choice:  We must be free to say “no” before we can whole-heartedly say “yes”.

1. a.       Burnout often occurs after we have lost the ability to say “no” to people.  
2. A yes is that much more sincere and powerful when we can honestly tell people “no” when we don’t feel we can do something.  An honest “no” is 10 times healthier in any relationship than a regretted “yes”. 
3. Example:  When a student states that they need to talk, and you need to study for a test in one hour, you should tell them that you would not be a good listener right now and that they will get the listener they deserve later when you are done with the test.  If the student hears this and then says they are suicidal, you should get the student to the right person who can give the student the help they need.  Again, the primary help for the student is not you because you stated that you are not available and the student heard this. By the student then stating that he is suicidal it indicates that he needs help and it doesn’t matter if it is from your or not.  You then appropriately connect him with somebody who can help.  By doing this you have maintained your boundary and helped the student appropriate to what he or she is asking for and needs.

6)      Re-evaluate boundaries:  Keep checking your boundary fences that they are doing what they are supposed to do.

1. Boundaries are supposed to help others respect you and grow from understanding where you stop and they begin.
2. Boundaries are not supposed to be overly punitive, diminishing, or cause injury to those around us.  If a boundary is inconsistent or shows favoritism this will occur.
3. Example:  If you notice that students don’t feel comfortable approaching you at any time then you may have created the wrong perception with the boundaries you are trying to establish.  You must readjust, and again, remember to be transparent in altering your boundaries.

7)      Boundaries are proactive and not reactive:    When boundaries are not well thought out and implemented with thoughtful consideration and consistency we may implement them in a reactionary and uneven way. 

1. You will know you are reactionary when you become emotional in defense of a boundary. 
2. A good boundary is enforced as an open and transparent rule ahead of time and not as a whim of the moment.
3. Example:  It is not a student’s fault if he calls your room phone at 3 am if you never told him that he couldn’t do that and never shared with him the number for the on-call RA.

8)      If you have envy or infatuation, your boundaries are in danger:  Envious or infatuated people fail to set good boundaries because they aren’t focused on themselves, they are focused on that thing or person that they want. 

1. If you are attracted or overly admiring of someone on your floor you must be honest with yourself about this and understand that this may hinder your ability to be consistent and fair in maintaining your personal boundaries with them.
2.  Think of how others may perceive your inconsistent behavior and how this threatens the legitimacy of the boundaries you have created with them.
3. Example:  If you are falling in love with somebody on the floor than you must consult, consult, consult, with the people who advise your position about how to handle this potentially compromising scenario.

9)       Be aware of your power and influence as a leader and role model:  Remember that your authority gives your power over the people you serve. 

1. This kind of relationship is never a true friendship.  While you have authority over another, you will always be a role-model and never a real friend. 
2. Do not satisfy your friendship needs on your floor.  Friends are people whom you have no authority over. 
3. Example:  You can be friendly with people on your floor, but being a friend to them requires that you compromise the legitimacy of your authority.  This creates two classes of students on your floor and is, in practice, unfair.

10)   The Law of Exposure – We need to communicate our boundaries.  

1. A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working.

                                                               i.       We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate.  

                                                             ii.      We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence.  

                                                            iii.      A boundary without a consequence is simply nagging. 

1. Be transparent and claim your time for yourself that you need to not be resentful of the time you have for the people you serve.  Remember: you don’t have to give and give and give… if you are transparent, fair, and consistent, during the time that you choose to give. 
2. Example:  As a role model, what are you role-modeling to students on your floor if you can’t create a work/life balance.

Dealing with toxically needy people

Untreated individuals with personality disorders(maladaptive ways of getting needs met that involve considerable personal and social disruption) are dependent on the compliance of others to feel ok with themselves. They resist boundaries in an effort to control, manipulate, and dominate.  This scenario requires that you are extra communicative with them about your boundaries.  Let them know where you stop and where they begin, openly, honestly, consistently, and constantly.  They will, without a doubt, resist your attempts to be in charge and, depending on the degree of their disorder, may “split” by talking to other RA’s about you behind your back.  Make sure to present a compassionate, non-reactionary, and united front in maintaining solidarity with this student’s primary RA and her boundaries.  A personality disorder will be marginalized by consistent boundaries and legitimate, united authority that practices up-front and fair consequences for repeated violation of the primary RA’s set boundaries for this student.  

Thanks,

Mark Huttemier MA, LPC

Help from:

http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZvzh7uxt_c

What is Stress?

Stress is the wear and tear our bodies experience as we adjust to our continually changing environment; it has physical and emotional effects on us and can create positive or negative feelings. As a positive influence, stress can help compel us to action; it can result in a new awareness and an exciting new perspective. As a negative influence, it can result in feelings of distrust, rejection, anger, and depression, which in turn can lead to health problems such as headaches, upset stomach, rashes, insomnia, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke. With the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, a job promotion, or a new relationship, we experience stress as we re-adjust our lives. In so adjusting to different circumstances, stress will help or hinder us depending on how we react to it.

How Can I Eliminate Stress from My Life?

As we have seen, positive stress adds anticipation and excitement to life, and we all thrive under a certain amount of stress. Deadlines, competitions, confrontations, and even our frustrations and sorrows add depth and enrichment to our lives. Our goal is not to eliminate stress but to learn how to manage it and how to use it to help us. Insufficient stress acts as a depressant and may leave us feeling bored or dejected; on the other hand, excessive stress may leave us feeling tied up in knots. What we need to do is find the optimal level of stress which will individually motivate but not overwhelm each of us.

How Can I Tell What is Optimal Stress for Me?

There is no single level of stress that is optimal for all people. We are all individual creatures with unique requirements. As such, what is distressing to one may be a joy to another. And even when we agree that a particular event is distressing, we are likely to differ in our physiological and psychological responses to it.

It has been found that most illness is related to unrelieved stress. If you are experiencing stress symptoms, you have gone beyond your optimal stress level; you need to reduce the stress in your life and/or improve your ability to manage it.

How Can I Manage Stress Better?

Identifying unrelieved stress and being aware of its effect on our lives is not sufficient for reducing its harmful effects. Just as there are many sources of stress, there are many possibilities for its management. However, all require effort toward change: changing the source of stress and/or changing your reaction to it. How do you proceed?

Become aware of your stressors and your emotional and physical reactions

• Notice your distress. Don’t ignore it. Don’t gloss over your problems.
• Determine what events distress you. What are you telling yourself about meaning of these events?
• Determine how your body responds to the stress. Do you become nervous or physically upset? If so, in what specific ways?

Recognize what you can change

• Can you change your stressors by avoiding or eliminating them completely?
• Can you reduce their intensity (manage them over a period of time instead of on a daily or weekly basis)?
• Can you shorten your exposure to stress (take a break, leave the physical premises)?
• Can you devote the time and energy necessary to making a change (goal setting, time management techniques, and delayed gratification strategies may be helpful here)?

Reduce the intensity of your emotional reactions to stress.

• The stress reaction is triggered by your perception of danger…physical danger and/or emotional danger. Are you viewing your stressors in exaggerated terms and/or taking a difficult situation and making it a disaster?
• Are you expecting to please everyone?
• Are you overreacting and viewing things as absolutely critical and urgent? Do you feel you must always prevail in every situation?
• Work at adopting more moderate views; try to see the stress as something you can cope with rather than something that overpowers you.
• Try to temper your excess emotions. Put the situation in perspective. Do not labor on the negative aspects and the “what if’s.”

Learn to moderate your physical reactions to stress.

• Slow, deep breathing will bring your heart rate and respiration back to normal.
• Relaxation techniques can reduce muscle tension. Electronic biofeedback can help you gain voluntary control over such things as muscle tension, heart rate, and blood pressure.
• Medications, when prescribed by a physician, can help in the short term in moderating your physical reactions. However, they alone are not the answer. Learning to moderate these reactions on your own is a preferable long-term solution.

Build your physical reserves.

• Exercise for cardiovascular fitness three to four times a week (moderate, prolonged rhythmic exercise is best, such as walking, swimming, cycling, or jogging).
• Eat well-balanced, nutritious meals.
• Maintain your ideal weight.
• Avoid nicotine, excessive caffeine, and other stimulants.
• Mix fun with work. Take breaks and get away when you can.
• Get enough sleep. Be as consistent with your sleep schedule as possible.

Maintain your emotional reserves.

• Develop some mutually supportive friendships/relationships.
• Pursue realistic goals which are meaningful to you, rather than goals others have for you that you do not share.
• Expect some frustrations, failures, and sorrows.
• Always be kind and gentle with yourself–be a friend to yourself.

Special thanks to University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign who developed this content

Intervention: Suggested Guidelines When Talking With Distressed Students

UW-River Falls Counseling Services

Openly acknowledging to students that you are aware of their distress, sincerely concerned about their welfare and willing to help them explore alternative responses, can have a profound and positive effect. We encourage you, whenever possible, to speak directly and honestly with a student when you sense that he/she is in emotional distress.
When you are directly involved with a student experiencing distress we recommend the following:

• Request to see the student in private. This may help minimize embarrassment and defensiveness.
• Briefly acknowledge your observations and perceptions of their situation.
• Express your concerns directly and honestly.
• Listen carefully and try to see the issues from the student’s point of view without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing.
• Attempt to identify the problem. You can help by exploring with the student alternative responses to their present distress.
• Inappropriate and strange behavior should not be ignored. Comment on what you have observed, but not in a judgmental way.
• Involve yourself only as far as you feel comfortable and competent. The Counseling Services staff and other professionals on the campus are available to assist you.

Consultation: Exploring Your Options

If you are unsure of how to work with a specific distressed student, we encourage you to consult with one of the counselors on our staff. Once you contact us, a counselor will be made available to you for consultation immediately or very soon thereafter. Office hours are 8 AM to 4:30 PM, Monday through Friday. Call us at 425-3884, inform the receptionist who you are, and ask to speak with a personal counselor. A brief consultation may help you sort out the relevant issues and explore alternative approaches.

Referral: Getting Help for the Student

When you discuss a referral for counseling with a student, it would be helpful for the student to hear your concerns in a clear and concise manner and why you think counseling would be helpful.

When should I refer a student to Counseling Services?

The decision to refer a student to Counseling Services is first based upon your own observations; i.e., does the student show signs and symptoms of emotional distress?
While each student experiences emotional distress in a different way, some common indicators you might observe include:

• Expressed suicidal thoughts or attempts
• High levels of irritability including undue aggressive or abrasive behavior expressed towards you or others
• Lack of energy
• Marked change in personal hygiene
• Bizarre or strange behavior
• Sadness, tearfulness
• Frequent binge eating episodes or extreme loss of appetite
• Dependency, e.g., the student who hangs around your office or makes excessive appointments to see you
• Infrequent class attendance and inadequate effort put into the assignments
• Falling asleep in class
• Lack of enthusiasm about various aspects of student life
• Unusual bruises or lacerations on face and/or body

Mental Health in 15 Steps

1) Depression: Results from too much time spent thinking about the past. The past is out of our
control and for many is a hopeless place.

2) Anxiety: Results from too much time spent thinking about the future. Anxiety comes from
speculating too much about things that we don’t have any immediate control over.

3) The Present: In the present we can be our optimal selves. We feel in control because, indeed,
we have control over our lives in the present. Living in the present also produces less anxiety
because issues are addressed as they occur vs. speculating about what things may occur and
being able to do little about it but worry for those things to possibly happen…maybe…

4) How do we learn to live more of our lives in the present? The best way is to practice self-care
daily. Self-care can be; meditation, a personal hobby, playing board games, playing sports,
yoga, karate, all forms of exercise, hiking, canoeing, reading, any activity that keeps your focus
on what is going on in front of you.

5) Talking about our feelings is more helpful than you know. Connecting a physical feeling with a
word helps our brain process and adjusts to what is being experienced. In a sense, we get
unstuck because by describing a feeling we are turning on more of our brain to deal with the
feeling. The more brain we have working on any issue the better the outcome… counseling
works!

6) Exercise is the easiest way any individual can have a significant impact on his or her own mental
health. Exercising 3 or 4 times a week for just 25 minutes a shot has been shown by multiple
research sources as the most efficient and effective way anyone can support their own sense of
well-being.

7) Volunteer work is the second easiest way to promote our own mental health stability. Research
shows that volunteering time to support a worthy cause produces a sense of well-being that
grounds our self-identity and promotes our community identity. In addition, it helps us with
being grateful, which also is a vital ingredient for mental health.

Become aware of how much time you are giving to those people who usually take your
emotional and physical energy and how much time you are giving to those people who usually
return your investment of energy. You want to invest time in people who can give back to you
and not just take from you. This awareness allows you to maintain your sense of self in any
relationship. Warning: People who are exhausting to deal with contribute to our own loss of a
healthy and resilient self-identity, in a sense they are self-esteem killers.

9) Listening is an act of love! It builds relationships. Listen without judgment and you will make
friends. Neediness is an act of desperation! Neediness pushes people away. If you need too
much from others you definitely have to start examining ways to fulfill that missing need on
your own. Remember if you don’t love yourself when you enter a relationship the other person
will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself in good time.

10) The desire to commit suicide is always a sign of mental illness. All illness can be treated and
resolved with help from professionals. You owe it to your normal fun loving self to take all
actions to return to good health. Remember suicidal thoughts will pass in time and you will
again get to the point where you feel normal again. It’s scary that a temporary condition can
have such permanent results.

11) Act on your own behalf- Learning to turn thoughts into actions takes practice and maybe even a
lesson or two from a counselor in problem solving skills. The results of taking action on a
thought are absolutely worth the risks of putting yourself out there, so be proactive!

12) Mistakes are great to make when you remember to take the time to learn from them. Trying to
be perfect is a lesson in futility and stifles personal growth.

13) Choice!!!! As long as you are not in jail, you have a choice in your life. You have a choice in
what you choose to think about and you have a choice to make changes in your life. Honor this
power and use it!

14) Drugs and Alcohol, don’t make them the most important thing in you life. If you do you are
boring. People who are addicted stay the same emotional age as the day they got hooked. Met
any 40-year-olds who still act as if they are 18…Yep.

15) Simple living saves lives! Work to uncomplicate your existence. Hints- finish one thought or
action before you start another one.
Mark Huttemier- Mental Health Counselor at the UWRF
(715) 425-3884
mark.huttemier@uwrf.edu

Hello All!

I am pleased to announce Mental and Behavioral Health Commission Leader Jenny Gabler has given birth to a baby boy!  This is Jenny’s second child and she is currently enjoying some well deserved time off to bond with the new addition to the Gabler family.

In the mean time, I will be periodically posting updates from WCPA and resources that all student affairs professionals can utilize in the area of mental and behavioral health.  If anyone has a resource they would like to share, please submit it to me and will post it up for all to benefit.

I wish you all well and hope you are enjoying the summer months!

Paul Shepherd

paul.shepherd@uwrf.edu

Welcome to the new WCPA Mental & Behavorial Health Commission page for sharing information and resources.